Friday, August 22, 2008

Welcome to The Double L Ranch (double L is “latest lines”)

Published every Wednesday throughout the season:

Well football fans, the highly anticipated start to the season is finally upon us. I must first commend that JJ character for some first rate analysis on this years “Silver Britches” and bringing our engaged audience the youthful exuberance displayed on the U Tube flicks. Though factual and enlightening, it’s now time to strap on the ol’ jock strap and start making some C notes. For those of you who like to dabble in the lucrative business of gambling on 18 year old kids on Saturday afternoons, such as myself, this could be your chance to rake in some Benjamin’s.

My name is Schlitz Bolshivik. I make residence in numerous hotel resorts around the world depending on the season (usually Dubai), but come September I’m on location making weekly stays at what I feel is the college football “Lock of the Week”. Originally from Bora Bora, I began life orphaned and living with my cousin’s friend’s uncle. He named me Schlitz because he used to love this commercial where a bull would break thru the backdrop. He would laugh aloud and then mumble something like, “bolshivit” which meant to get him a beer. The name stuck. Anyhow, I helped Uncle Olama with the cactus farm until we had cornered the market on cacti and sold the farm for $500,000,000. I never saw Uncle Olama again after that, but before he parted he gave me $10,000,000 and told me to get lost. Since that moment in life I’ve spent most my time playing golf, gambling and chasing women. I did attend college (bars) across the nation for 7 years, which clearly is why I stake claim and loyalty to Athens and the Bulldawgs (note: any debating this will not be worthy of a response). I have been successful to say the least in my journey’s, and now choose to share my secrets and insight with those patrons of Catfish and Cornbread, my world news source when overseas.

As for my gambling abilities, I have been preaching my gift of knowledge to a fledgling few through the years and though they have never contacted me again in the seasons to follow, I can only assume they made their fortunes and moved on to greener pastures. Now, you too will share in the wealth that is to be made from illegal gambling operations. I can’t tell you how I’m able to bribe teams for my financial benefit, but I can tell you it works. Every week I’ll share with you my thoughts and picks on the top 10 college games to wager on. Hopefully by seasons end, with your fruitful winnings in hand, we can sip on some fine bourbon’s, sail my yacht to Dubai with the Hooter’s girls and take in 18 holes.

Look for the Double L’s beginning this Wednesday for Week 1 analysis. I will be on location in “The Swamp” throughout the week and this weekend to scout the Gators against “a BCS Championship team”…. Meyer is such a dumb ass (luckily he can be bribed with the best of them and usually for pennies on the dollar). Looking forward to a great season and lining your pockets with the cold stuff.

Govern yourself accordingly,


Bop said...

Well, there goes the neighborhood.

No pressure, but I'll be betting every game you pick this season.

JJ said...

I feel the need to add that Schlitz's appearance on C&C is for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed by Schlitz are not necessarily those of the proprietors of C&C. That said, think nothing of it if you see JJ at a Waffle House in Oakwood every Friday morning from now to late November, with a newspaper open to the LL's.

Schlitz said...

Though legal battles are nothing new for me, I concur that it's in the best interest of C&C to keep a tight leash on me, my views and your name.


Bear said...

A word to the wise. The only success you'll have listening to this guy and his picks is to take what he says and do the exact opposite.

Anybody who listens to a guy with the initials B.S., well you get what you deserve.

Schlitz said...

I know you not stranger, but from the tone in your comment one can assume you're a jack leg with little gambling knowledge regarding The Schlitz. Produce some facts behind your comments and we'll discuss, but to mouth off before the opening kick is merely portraying ignorance in it's purest form. Apology accepted in advance.


Bear said...

Trust me Tolstoy, I'll be reading your contributions every week. And laughing all the way to the local bank as I take what you suggest and go the other way.

I've been studying your habits for years and have personally seen you turn $10M into $5M.

Keep it coming Stolichnaya.