Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Double L Ranch

WEEK 1:

Schlitz Bolshivik here! Glad you could tune in for the week 1 "Lock's of the Week". Let me begin by saying that these selections were not as easy as Week 1 matchups in the past. However, with a little cash slipped under "Coaches" door... Wa La! It just got a whole lot easier.

I'm currently reporting from "The Swamp" where things are off to a great start. I got fuzzed beyond belief last night at one of the local dives called Big Mama's. They we're having a special on fishbowl Margarita's which was cleary to my delight. The girls were rockin, however, I was perplexed at the young lads. You've never seen jean shorts so well pressed and hemmed! The starch held the crease down the front like the bow of the USS Alabama. Awesome sight... Anyhow, I wound up in a sorority house when I awoke for brunch and the best part is that the lady at my side was none other then the house mother of the girls. At 63 you'd be suprised how well she carried herself. I'm looking forward to continuing my streak daily. I figure if I can't get any down her, I ain't gettin any. So here goes.

5 Benjamin's
Take Oklahoma State -6 over Washington State.

This spread is a joke. I talked with Boone last week at the dove shoot in Perry, OK and he said that if Pistol Pete and crew don't win by 3 touchdowns it'll be a disappointment. Right then, I had heard enough. This man knows where to put his money and now, so do I.

4 Benjamin's
Take Idaho +28 at Arizona.

Idaho sucks, yes, but Airzona couldn't beat the school for the blind by 28. You got to take those points and then just check the ticker to confirm your transaction. The game sure as hell won't be worth watching.

3 Benjamin's
Take Tennessee -7 at UCLA

UCL "gAy". They suck as bad Arizona. Actually, those pretty boy teams would make a decent match up sometime, especially if you like flag football. Anyway, UT should be ashamed of itself after last year and undoubtedly they are. I look for them to beat the piss out of the baby blue and gold (how queer). This game won't even be close.

2 Benjamin's
Take Clemson -5.5 over Bama

I hate to say it, but I can only speak the truth. I'd gladly give $200 to see Bama beat the stew out of Clemson, but it ain't happenin. The Tigers will run over Alabama and leave Tide fans as frightened about their season as a bull in a butcher's shop. But fear not, Bama will rebound, it's just Clemson IS that good.

1 Benjamin
Take Florida -34.5 against Hawaii

I really don't give a shit, but seeing as how I ended up down here to do my analysis I might as well put a spin on it. Florida is used to being the team most highly regarded out of the SEC of late and will be out to prove a point. Not sure what that point is seeing as how beating Hawaii can be done with The Schlitz under center. In any case, the pathetic Gator's will do all they can to put up 60 points and by golly, I think they'll do it. They can't stand being out of the spotlight.

Well, here's a toast to your good fortune and I'm off to chase some tail. See you next week where I'll be sure to double your money yet again!

Schlitz

19 comments:

Bear said...

By golly, this is by far the most entertaining segment on C&C, and I'm serious about that(no offense JJ). I just can't wait to go C-notes on Washington St., Zona, UCLA, Bammer, and Hawaii for the "quintfecta". See ya next week Schlitz.

Duvydawg said...

Schlitz, I'm gonna have to riverside you on the Clem(p)son - Bama pick. Bama is getting points vs. an ACC team. I'm not saying Bama's gonna win, but you must remember they are playing the ACC and that ACC team is the Tigers. The same Tigers who are still living in the bring back Danny Ford days of the late 80s. Clempson couldn't seal the deal at a late nite band party with a bunch of inebriated Gamma Phi Betas. Take the Red Elephants and the points.

JJ said...

Florida may need to score more than 60 to cover that number.

Schlitz said...

2 comments:
3 Benjamins says Hawaii won't top 17 points and second, Clemson will have to play blindfolded to not not blow Bama out of the water.

RedCrake said...

50 Benjamins Says:

After Florida beats Hawaii, Meyer, UF fans, and the Media use it as a way to prove they are better than Georgia. OMG...we beat them 60-21 and UGA only won 41-10.

50 more says:

Mark May says all this while conspicuously failing to mention that Hawaii played sans Colt Brennan, June Jones, the star receivers, and with only 8 returning starters from the 12-1 team of a year ago.

Darryl Strawberry said...

I'll bet you $1 MEEIILLLION Bamer takes the game outright!

Hunker Down said...

Redcrake,

Yep. You got dat right. What's the over/under on how many minutes remain in the 4th quarter before they pull the Criesman?

Bop said...

I'm wagering every one of these. Like it or not I'm going with em.

On clemson...part of me is pulling for clemson to run the table, be ranked top 3 with a chance at National Title....only to have Carolina beat them end of the season. Something funny about watching that imo.

JJ said...

Fact of the day: The Florida Gators would have covered a 34.5 spread only twice against 1-A teams in 2007 (against Tennessee and Florida Atlantic.) They gave up 30 points or more in half their games last season.

Schlitz may be putting his benjamins in the hands of the 3rd string Florida defense to prevent Hawaii from scoring a late touchdown to cover the 5 touchdowns. Or, Florida might win 63-3 and make it a moot point.

For a numbers guy like myself, this one would scare me.

JJ said...

Oh, and I almost forgot - no Percy Harvin or Brandon Spikes, not to mention the 5 torn ACLs they already had.

Again though, it may not matter. But the quarterback that threw for Hawaii's only TD in the Sugar Bowl last year was not Colt Brennan, its the guy that is starting for them this weekend in the Swamp.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure about that?^^^^


I thought he was suspended...

JJ said...

You're right, he is suspended. And his backup hasn't thrown a ball in a week because of a strained arm.

I was wondering why that spread was so high. I guess all bets are off now, that 35 doesn't look so ridiculous after all.

Bop said...

Wow JJ...you brought to my attention a great stat. Fla gave up 30 or more points 5 times last season. 5 times! By comparison, Brian VanGorder gave up 30 or more points 1 time in his four seasons between the hedges.

Bop said...

And that 30 point game was in the SECC Game vs LSU's National Champion team.

PhatWallet said...

I've been a successful gambler in recent year myself... Here are my thoughts:

-Take Tennessee to cover at -7 for sure.
-Take the Under in the USC NCState game tonight at 45
-Take Clemson at -4.5... but if you're scared to bet ATS, the moneyline isn't terrible.
-OK State isn't a bad pick either

Phatwallet said...

also... I'm taking Utah over Michigan straight up. It's ballsy, but it will happen

JJ said...

Bop, Florida's defense was historically bad last season by SEC standards. One of the worst that a supposed "SEC stalwart" has EVER had. And personally I don't see much improvement this year. Same personnel for the most part except the starting safety Munroe is gone with an ACL, and they have to replace the only lineman they had that could get any pressure on a QB (Harvey.) I don't see them being anything but worse against the pass this year. I think Mario Manningham is still running behind Florida cornerbacks somewhere in Orlando.

Bop said...

The Fla hype just absolutely blows my mind JJ. I don't think I've ever wanted a team or head coach to lay an egg like I do them this season. That D just might grant my wishes.

Phatwallet...like the utah thoughts. Looks a lot like Donnan's first game against S.Miss in '96.

JJ said...

If you check my Mountain West and Big Ten predictions, you'll note that I have Utah winning straight up in the Big House.